my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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