I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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