It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
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In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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