youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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