she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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