my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
