Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
