she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
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I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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