She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
