I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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