I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
