I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
