Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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