So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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