I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
