it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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