My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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