dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
