so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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