can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
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I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
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Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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