Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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