I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
