Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
