I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
