Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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