Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
