I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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