I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
