If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
