So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
