I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
