My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
