I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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