why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
