she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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