Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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