I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
