I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
