I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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