You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
