I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
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I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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