I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
