He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
