I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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