There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
