i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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