You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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