need another drink. this is the easiest way
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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