I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Do you have feelings for this penis?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
