Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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