My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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