Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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