Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
