my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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