It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
