I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
