I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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