:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
