someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
