You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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