i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
