tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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