Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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