I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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