Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
