ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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