she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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